


Infuriation and Jealousy

by orphan_account



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Gay, Internal Monologue, M/M, Oblivious Simon Snow, Oneshot, Poor Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:41:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23312539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Simon doesn't know how he feels about Baz, much less the words to explain it.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Kudos: 25





	Infuriation and Jealousy

Infuriating.  
That's the word I've been looking for.  
Infuriatingly annoying, infuriatingly smart, infuriatingly handsome…  
Infuriatingly infuriating.  
Who gave him the right to be so... perfect?  
If I found that person, I don't know whether I'd slap them or thank them.   
I don't know a lot of things.  
Okay, maybe I just don't know things about Baz.  
Well, I do know things about him. I know how he looks when he's sleeping. I know he's a vampire. I know his favorite foods. I know who his least favorite teacher is. I know every facial expression he makes. I know Baz. I've only spent seven years sharing a room with him.   
I know everything about him.  
What I don't know is how I feel about him.  
Baz is perfect. I used to hate him for that. But now... now I'm not so sure.   
He still annoys me, don't get me wrong. But now when he looks at me and my face heats up, I'm not sure if it's anger, or... something else. Now when I wake up to find home peering down at me, I don't know if the lurch in my stomach is fear, or... something else. Now when I watch him when he's getting ready, I don't know if that's because of suspicion, or... something else.  
Ugh. I don't know.  
I know everything with Agatha. I know how I should feel when she holds my hand. When she kisses me. When I see her from across the hall, I know I'm supposed to smile. So I do. I smile, I run over to her and wrap her in a hug. But just because I know what I should do and I do it, doesn't mean I feel how I should feel.   
It's easy with Agagtha, though. It's predictable. (That's not to say she's predictable--far from it. Sometimes it seems like the last thing she wants to do is touch me. And when that does happen, I know what I'm supposed to feel. Sadness. Maybe anger. But I sure-as-hell know it's not relief. When she acts like that, it's... not horrible. And I hate myself for thinking that.)  
I'm supposed to be the perfect boyfriend. I'm the Chosen One. (I'm the worst chosen one, is what Baz tells me. And he's probably right.) I should be the happiest guy in the world--I'm dating the most beautiful girl in school.  
I kind of think we don't belong together. The prettiest girl at Watford should be with the prettiest boy at Watford.   
So why is it that when I imagine Baz and Agatha holding hands, why do I feel sick to my stomach?  
Am I jealous of Baz? That used to be what I chalked everything up to. Maybe I'm just jealous of his perfect hair, perfect body, perfect face... yeah, that's it.   
Jealousy.  
That's the word I've been looking for.


End file.
